losing time

when i was young, i wanted everything that my sister had, when she got braces, I wanted them too. I wanted a broken arm so I could have a cast (in retrospect, I really could have done without the braces or the broken foot). when I was young, things were simpler, there weren’t computers that tied us to our chairs 12 hours straight, we got outside and played, the closest thing we had to video games was atari and pong and we didn’t spend hours and hours playing it because it was boring, being outside was far better treat than being stuck indoors all day long.

Today, we’re all so busy multi-tasking, that we don’t take the time to stop and just be and see the world around us. I look outside at my backyard and think it would be so nice to stop and just sit in the sun but when I do, I drag my computer out to be with me so I can sit in the sun and surf the internet. I keep thinking to myself, that it would be nice to stop and people watch but I feel like I have the time to just stop and even if I could just stop and take the time, my brain is always racing and multi-tasking through my thoughts or so I thought.

Lately, I feel like I’m losing time, that another part of me has taken over because even though I can see the evidence of the things I’ve done, I don’t quite remember doing them, is there another me? Is multi-personalities part of being bi-polar or is there some other reason that I’m losing time? Could the logical me be a part but separate me that has panic attacks and doesn’t like leaving her house and for the life of her can’t manage to struggle to find a parking place without being overcome with a fear of looking stupid (those have been recent issues and I’m not sure where or why they started) but maybe I’m finally understand me, all of me, maybe I was right, there is me, myself and I, as I jokingly call myself somedays. But this losing time thing, its happening more frequently or maybe I’m noticing it more now.

Apparently when my brain shifts from manic to depressed, the brain chooses to “sleep” during this in-between period, I’m still functioning but my short-term memory doesn’t work. If this in-between period last more than a few days, then I’ve lost the memory of what occured which is strange to me because I normally remember everything.  And no I don’t hear voices in my head, I just don’t remember why I didn’t follow through on something or why I did a journal entry that way or didn’t enter the bill but obviously paid it.

Maybe I’m traveling through time and I just have no recollection of that specific time and space or maybe my brain has decided it’s time to sleep. Its made me more aware of the notion that something is happening, I’ve started writing lists of things to do, I’ve tried to stop and take the time to go through my weekly calendar and schedule everything, try not to overwhelm myself, get plenty of sleep and I wish the panic attacks would stop but maybe my brain is trying to tell me to take a moment and relax, stop all this multi-tasking, take the time, stop, be still and see what is going on around me, what’s the worse that could happen? My brain will go to sleep while I’m working away? That’s already happening. Maybe its time to stop letting the world pass me by and be in the moment, if it doesn’t get done, tommorrow will come again.