Have you ever been this tired? (I have)

My first love (this is funny and not exactly what you think it might be)

My other website..more or less just a place to put family related stuff and pictures… Julie’s Family Tree

I’m totally burned out by my job and no longer like going to work. I am looking but its slow going with this economy. I’m tired of playing this game.

I’m totally burned out by my job. I work for a company that was a dot com that deleted the dot and has tried to survive the last couple of years and probably should have just ended it or maybe its just me and I need a new direction to go and get away from this place that is bringing me down. Little history here..I have something like 5 job titles (down-sizing does that to a company). We went from about 300 employees to last count about 21 in the last three years. People have quit to move on to better opportunites – believe me I should have too along time ago and people have retired. I know everything about that company and have complete access and for a long time I thought that was cool but the coolness is long gone. I had great hours up until recently..I usually worked from 10-8 or 11-9 which suited me because I’m a night owl. But then in December, I got the flu – still went into work; then I got a sinus infection – still went into work; then I got pneumonia and decide to stay home a week and rest (mind you – I still worked from home that whole week when I wasn’t sleeping – about 40-50hrs). Here is where is just gets plain weird..my boss didn’t believe I was sick and wouldn’t pay me for the whole week I was working while I had pneumonia..this started the strange turn of events with my boss. I thought we had a good working relationship and that we trusted each other – apparently I was wrong. He ended up paying me for 3 days and I had to use sick time for the remaining 2 days (next time – I’ll be out sick and not work and screw them) Then in January, I met this great guy and ended up working alot of weird night hours which normally would have been ok with my boss and I was always at work by 11am…so occassionally I would work til 2am and then come in at noon..this was never questioned before because I worked about 50-70 hr weeks and got all my work done when it was quiet and at night. Mid-January – broke up with great guy, major stress and got a very strange flu virus (mind you I kept working – should have stay home again but didn’t because no one else knows how to do my job and I was worried about the company) and my bosses comment to me “you seem off your game lately” which sort of pissed me off. Of course I was off my game..fell in love, got dumped, got stressed and then got sick again..I had been at this point..sick off and on for the last 3 months..who wouldn’t be stressed out and on top of everything else my boss switches my hours to 9-5 and is a total ass about me not being there on time.

So the new rules for my work hours:

1. 9-5 Monday thru Friday

2. I can be late one day a week but have to be by 10am and have to let him know one week in advance if I had to be late.

3. If I want to work from home on one of his projects then I have to get him a reason one week in advance, ask permission and then he gives me what I have to do in return to be able to work from home (for example: I can work at home this week on Thursday but I have to be in by noon and only if I can get to work at 8:30 on Monday). Totally stupid – if I work from home on his set hours, then I have to stop working at 10:30 in order to drive to the city..what’s the point?

4. If I plan on working late then I have to let him know 2 weeks in advance and then at what time I think I’ll be in the next day (this is utterly stupid..what happens if a server goes down in the middle of the night – I’m on call – like I can see into the future and plan for a server to go down?)

This is the weird part and I’d like to know who is doing it. He knows exactly what time I get to work everyday even on days he is out of town – which is weekly. Someone is telling him. I’d like to know what they gain from this and why? And the only reason I know this, is because he likes to tell me if I have been late (even if its 5 minutes) that I was late 3 days in a row..that I got to work at 9:05, 9:15, etc..

I was late on Thursday – as was everyone else – because there was a motorcycle accident on the Bay Bridge which shut down all lanes of traffic and backed up traffic to Orinda and his comment – I should plan for these things..I was in traffic for 2 1/2 hrs – who the hell can plan for these things?

And then he tells me I’ve had too many doctors appts last month and that I need to let him know now at least 2 weeks in advance if I have a doctors appt and need to be in the office earlier if I need to leave early for an appt. I had 2 last month – only which one interfere with my *new* hours. And he wants to know exactly what the appts are for (here’s the funny part..he wants details..he gets details now – good juicy details)

My thoughts on this whole bullshit with my boss..

1. I’d really like to know what the consequences are if I can’t get to work on time? Does he continue to fuck with me? Is this the only consequence or will he fire me? (oh please fire me – you’d be doing me a favor)

2. Is he trying to get me to quit? I asked him about it…he said no that we have a great working relationship and we respect each other – total bullshit – he didn’t want to answer the question. And I don’t respect someone that can’t give you an honest answer or be truthful about what is going on. I won’t quit until I’ve found a job..but I am looking..I’m tired of the game and he won’t win.

3. And when and why did he stop trusting me? (this actually hurts but I’ll never let him see that it hurts me)

And here’s the thing, I do the books so therefore I know, the company isn’t doing any better..occasionally we see a little hope that we are doing better and maybe next month we will but realistically – if you haven’t made any money in the last two years (a) either you aren’t doing something right (b) the economy just sucks or (c) management doesn’t know what they are doing.

So the my observations of my boss and this company are so profoundly stated in Doublethink

Well, I never made it to work by 8:30 this morning (Monday) but realistically what was the point anyways, I didn’t have enough time available on Thursday to fix the stupid flash file anyways before having to get up and drive to the city. (honestly if I lived next door to where I worked – i could make it on time everyday) So I sent my boss an email when I got in that said:

consider today my late day and I’ll won’t work from home on Thursday. However I do need to work that flash file fix which I can work on at night or on the weekend – but I would like some compensation for working on my own time

that was only fair correct – I was late, I lost the deal. His response:

Last night, I was reading some of my old english notes from college and realized that I really missed linguistics, writing and literature and all that goes with it. I’ve been so caught up in the whole computer/programming/IT work that I forgot what my true passion was.. English Linguistics and Literature. I originally wanted to be an English teacher to share my passion and hopefully inspire kids to read. Don’t get me wrong – I love computers and programming and I’m good at it but I have a passion for reading and writing. So tonight I embarked on a new adventure and submitted The Peach to Nerve Magazine – hopefully they will publish it and one tiny step at a time..I can find my passion again.

Random logical thinking. I just read a post on Jake’s site about prime numbers not so random that almost makes sense in my half asleep mind about prime numbers, logic and theory of chaos…very interesting reading. But my question is: aren’t numbers in general man-made and therefore could be comprised of random logic and chaotic theory on their own?

Will have to dive deeper into this one sometime…hmmm..gotta love logic.

This summer I am taking real vacations..no work…no cell phone contact..no checking my emails..no contact with work..just going to have fun….

First vacation destination: Massachusetts – I met this really great guy and I love talking to him and really really want to meet him in person..so hopefully by mid-May, my face will be acne free and I’ll have enough vacation time to take off work and I can have a great birthday.

Second vacation destination: New Mexico – my grandmother thinks she is getting old however she is the coolest grandmother a granddaughter could have..I don’t think she is getting old but I told her I would come out there this summer before she gets too old (her words not mine). Also I think the UFO fest would be a cool thing to go to…history here: I was born in Roswell, New Mexico and I’ve heard stories from my grandmother and relatives about the UFO landing..totally piques my interest..being born there and all 🙂

Third vacation destination: hopefully a week off a home with someone special or maybe exploring the desert heat..

Anyways, food and then bed…..

Apparently I have a new pet raccoon..it must be a baby…it comes in every night and eats, hangs out, wakes me up (loud little eaters) and then leaves..wish I was awake enough to see what it looks like. The cats don’t seem to mind either..since they are letting it in every night.

Almost saw the little guy..not much bigger than the cats…and boy was it hungry last night…and has learned to be a little quieter when its eating.

Found this cool old english freeware dictionary program…here is some of what I translated tonight although I think my syntax may be out of wack..need to find my notes on syntax (note to self). If you understand this…let me know, I totally love languages and how they work especially old english since that what my final thesis in college was about. I got so caught up in all the computer stuff..I totally forgot my passion with languages and linguistics..

Nanwuht elles lif a ge and me gecunnian, sw