I’m still very much in love with you (you know who you are and I have no idea if you even read these posts to my weblog). I keep thinking that if I just stop thinking about what we had together or what might have been if you didn’t meet her then I would stop loving you…or maybe if only I could have been with you a little longer, it could have worked out. I still really don’t understand why you didn’t think we had the intellectual connection only a physical and emotional connection..I thought we connected on all levels and I may never know or totally understand that. At least I know I turned you on..thats the intense physical/emotional connection between us..I wonder if I still can. It still hurts that you didn’t want me. You aren’t responsible for my happiness but it still hurts and I wonder what I did wrong or why you didn’t feel the same way.
You know what sucks the most about the way I’m feeling. I didn’t come looking for you..you sorta just fell into my life. I didn’t think honestly think we could be more than friends but you said to give us a chance…so I did. I talked to you for a month before I met you because I wasn’t going to get hurt again. I wasn’t going to have sex with you right away because I didn’t want to get that emotionally involved right away..but the connection between us was so strong (at least for me) that I fell in love with you and I didn’t want you to know because you told me you were still dating other people and I didn’t want you to know that it hurt. And I know I asked stupid questions about us…which probably pushed you away but I honestly thought if I don’t push the idea…you and me could eventually be something more exclusive. I wasn’t going to fall in love. I wasn’t going to get hurt. You were and still are everything that I was looking for but didn’t know it.
I’m sorry that I have been bugging you lately with all these stupid programming questions(you’re right – I do know how to fix these things)..I guess I was trying to connect with you still and keep you in my life..but these one way emails(from me to you) are getting old. You are so caught up in your new girlfriend that there isn’t time for an ex-lover(I’m not sure what else to call what I am to you right now).
I saw her picture today on your blog and I realized that it’s not me (I actually think you’ll understand what I’m saying here – I can’t put it into words without it sounding bitchy and I don’t want you to be mad at me)
I still really want to try and be friends but maybe someday in the future when I can look at your picture and not cry. Or when I can see you two together and not hate her.
I wish it could have been us in those pictures. It still really hurts and I tired of pretending that I don’t hurt. I thought I found my soulmate, someone I could see being with for the rest of my life..you once asked me “did I ever have a lost love?” The answer is most definetly a yes now.
I miss our conversations. I miss hearing your voice. I miss kissing you. I miss you.
I will always love you.